Going in Raw Granola

Dry Ingredients

2 ½ cups rolled oats

½ cup crushed pecans

½ cup sunflower seeds

½ tsp baking soda

Not Dry Ingredients

1/3 cup sunflower seed butter

1/3 cup almond butter

½ cup raw white honey

2 tbsp. whole milk

1 lg. ripe banana (smushed)


1.     First thing you want to do is check yourself. Wrecking yourself wouldn’t be good in a situation like this.

2.     Preheat your oven to 375. If you don’t have an oven, and you’re looking up how to make baked granola bars, are you fucking serious?

3.     Get a big ass bowl and combine all the dry ingredients and use what God (or whatever the hell you believe in) gave you and mix it up

4.     Get another big ass bowl and combine all the not dry ingredients. For this, unless you’re some savage, I would not recommend using your hands, but a whisk. You don’t want to see any lumps, so, this might be the second hand/wrist workout of the day.

5.     Now put the not dry ingredients into the dry ingredients bowl and use a spatula (or your hands) until those grains are moister than a theatre showing Magic Mike.

6.     Get out a sheet pan (cookie sheet, metal plate, cooking thing, whatever the fuck you call it) and cut up some parchment paper (not printer paper) and line the sheet pan with it.

7.     Transfer the granola mix to the sheet pan on top of the parchment paper and use your hands to spread it out and flatten the shit out of it. I know right now, you’re probably knee deep in stickiness. Wet your hands every now and then, it’ll help.  

8.     Put the pan into a preheated oven and time up about 20 minutes on whatever useless device you spent a car payment on.

9.     They aren’t going to look much different other than being hot, so just trust and believe and take it out and let it chill in the kitchen until its room temperature.

10. Cut, eat, dance, repeat.